When I shared my first post about living with Uveitis on Facebook, my friends and family told me how strong I am for living and fighting through this. Even when I go back to read the post about my last Methotrexate injection I realize that that sounds strong too.
But today, today I don’t feel strong.
In my last blog post I talked about dealing with the side effects and how well I’m handling them. I don’t know how in the world I forgot to talk about my joint pain. My knees have been giving me problems for weeks. I’m stiff. I feel old. If I sit for a half hour then I know it’s going to be tough standing back up. The problem is that I’m getting used to it, which I why I didn’t remember to mention it last week. I can’t even describe the emotion that comes with the realization that I’m used to the pain that comes as a side effect of my Methotrexate. I’m angry, sad, and hurt. Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? I know it could be worse, but why can’t it just be better. I never thought that this would become my normal.
And then there’s today. Last week I did so well with my injection. No tears. No struggle. I even did my injection on the first time. Tonight was so hard though. Two tries and I couldn’t get the needle in. It hurt. I had to call my friend on the phone and have him sit with me and crack Drake vs. Meek Mill jokes until I was finally able to inject myself.
Tomorrow may be better, but tonight I don’t feel strong and I’m not going to pretend like I am.